I think I may be having a heart attack…
Is what I said to my oldest son while I was driving myself to urgent care. Thankfully it was NOT a heart attack.
So often we women dismiss our physical discomfort to our own detriment, and as you can see even though I’m a self care expert, at times I'm just as guilty of falling into that trap.
The reason I decided to go to urgent care at 11 pm on a Monday night is because signs of a heart attack* present themselves differently for men and women. While men have a sensation of their chests being crushed women only feel a tightness and mild discomfort in their chest accompanied by nausea and shortness of breath. (*Cedar Sinai)
For the 5 days prior my left arm was swollen, with pain radiating down my entire arm from my spine to the tips of my fingers. I was having crushing pain in the left side of my chest that wasn't responding to anything I did to try to reduce the swelling and manage the pain.
My urgent care visit was a complete and utter waste of time other than having a heart attack being ruled out but that's a story for another time...
It took three days after my ER visit before I was finally able to get in to see a doctor who actually gave a fuck. The two ER doctors were men while the doctor who actually cared and took the time to LISTEN was a woman.
Turns out that I need an MRI which is only covered at 40% AFTER I've paid my $6000 annual deductible. Again another story for another time...
At this point the working theory is that my intense pain is being caused by either:
1. A damaged or bulging disc or discs in my cervical and/or thoracic vertebrae
2. Pinched, damaged or inflamed nerves originating in my cervical and/or thoracic vertebrae
Both of which can only be determined with an MRI
As I sit with my pain, I've been diving deeply in to it, to learn what the message and the learning might be. My body has been sharing imagery, colors and messages that I'm slowly piecing together for greater understanding.
Some key messages so far are:
1. Listen more closely to discomfort in my body and take action immediately to prevent what is currently happening from happening in the future because Self Care = Self Love
2. It's okay to ask for help and allow myself to RECEIVE help. My sons and friend are working together to create schedule to help me with caring for my horses because I can't use my left arm until we understand what's causing all this pain.
3. The people in my life WANT me to tell them when I'm struggling and get rather salty when I don't. Getting seriously reprimanded by my sons for not telling them sooner, and that I almost didn't tell them, I was taking myself to urgent care. They did NOT like that at ALL.
4. Allow myself to SEE what my body is trying to show me. The visual presented to me of my pain was an egg with red, orange, white and pink swirling inside with the message that my past heartbreak is attempting to leave my body but my body is resisting. Over the next few days I'll be going inward to get greater knowledge and have conversations with my pain in order to encourage my body to release whatever needs to be released.
There is SOOOO much more to what I'm walking through right now but I've shared the highlight reel with you.
Going within with curiosity is a POWERFUL tool to help understand messages that I have not allowed myself to see. By allowing myself to see and hear those messages I am able to begin to understand what next steps to take for my highest and greatest good.
The significance that the pain is in my left side is not lost on me. You see the left side is the Divine Feminine. The Divine Feminine is all about being present, creativity, allowing and receiving. I’m being called to SEE where in my life I’m not allowing myself to receive, where I’m not allowing things to unfold and that I’m being called to be more creative and present.
It’s clear that I’m also being told it’s time to let go of past heartache in order to allow greater love into my life. I am being called to make space by letting GO of what no longer serves in order to make room for something better to come into my life.
As I reflect on this last point, which really is the most important one, I’m struck with how this holds true for every area of life from physical items, to emotions to past experiences. When we are able to let go of what no longer serves us we create the space in our lives for something better to take it’s place.
I’d like to invite all of you who’ve read this far to begin having regular conversations with your body, you be pleasantly surprised with what’s revealed in those conversations.
Huge Love,
Jennifer Malocha